5 things I've learned living in India

I promised earlier in my Instagram to gather up a list of all the things I've learned during my years living – and travelling extensively – in India. I started writing things down and soon enough was on page four so I decided that it would be fun to start an article series. Do you guys agree?

There are so many things I've learned here and still keep learning every day that I won't end up running out of words anytime soon. But let's start with some of the most important things I feel I've picked up in India.

Please note that I realise my opinions here might not reflect the true state of things in India, but are based on my own experiences and the people and places I have connected with. My life and culture in Finland/Europe and its stark contrast with India has also heavily influenced how I see the world here.

1. Knowing my own strength

When I was a kid, India was this kind of a dreamland for me. Whenever we'd get the travel agency catalogues home, I'd try to suggest to my parents we should travel to Goa. In high school I really wanted to take a gap year after graduation and travel to India for volunteer work. Maybe build a village, perhaps teach poor kids English. But I was always told I couldn't survive on my own, I couldn't possibly manage India of all places. And I really believed that. Until I did travel to India for the first time to meet my boyfriend and travel solo a bit too.

Since that I've travelled alone a lot more and even lived alone in Vizag for some months, setting up the arrangement on my own. I know how to get my own SIM card, how to handle banking or other bureaucratic paperwork. I get my own gas and pay the Indian price for things. I can navigate my way safely through the whole country and the rural areas without flying. I can deal with men and unwarranted attention. I'm able to handle my feelings when I see a lot of poverty or sick children and doggos. I know not to leave a dirty spoon on the table.

Even the smallest things are handled very differently in India than in my native country and I've faced many, many challenges during my time here. I've learned to trust my own strength and abilities. I feel confident enough to travel anywhere as I know now that I can pretty much get through anything on my own.

2. Asking for help

BUT! I don't always need to handle everything on my own. The attitude in Finland is pretty much that if you can do something you should do it yourself. And even if you can't, you still should, because 1. you're a strong, independent human being and it's embarrassing if you can't do something yourself and 2. then you will learn and definitely won't need help in the future. I once had a huge fight with an ex-boyfriend when I was installing my PlayStation and told him to f* off, because I didn't want his help. Well I really didn't need it! It only took me a couple of hours to remember how to do it.

In India I've learned that I don't need to handle every little thing on my own. Anything else would be a waste of my precious time. It's okay to have a maid or use different kinds of apps to help with everyday errands. It's okay to ask family and friends how I'm supposed to handle certain errands or if they can help me with those. It's okay to have my boyfriend book my train tickets or recharge my mobile plan, because the services don't accept my international card. It's okay to "bother other people" for help and directions when I'm lost and clueless in unfamiliar territories. Because people will always at least try to help.

3. Not obsessing about looks/diet/exercise

I've never been a very shallow person. I don't see other people's worth in their looks and certainly don't judge them by that. I've always been able to see beauty in each and everyone. Except for myself.

I think the Western cultures are very superficial and a woman's worth is basically only in her looks and desirability. And the scope for what's beautiful and desirable is very, very narrow.

Especially as a chubby kid and a fat teenager I did not fit that picture. I wasn't taught to be okay with it at home either. I was always my own worst judge and only saw what was wrong when I looked in the mirror. Even when I lost all the extra weight I'd still see myself being too fat. I never felt pretty or skinny enough. I was battling bulimia for years with my love-fear relationship for food and getting fat again. Even when I finally survived that by healthy eating and a gym hobby, it quickly turned into an obsession too. Because I never really learned how to not place my own worth on looks only before I came to India.

I remember my first day here in 2016. Me and my boyfriend were sitting in a bus and I was looking out the window, watching a big group of women in their sarees strolling down the streets. Women of different ages, sizes and body fat percentages looked so happy, confident and care-free with their bare tummies (this is one of the biggest no-nos in my culture unless you're size 0 or very athletic) that I couldn't help but cry.

This is the most important thing to me in Indian culture and I hope the overly superficial attitudes of the Western culture will never become a thing here. That being said, I do realise how much value people put on skin colour here, which I think is sad too. But in the bigger picture, I love how different sizes, shapes and forms of beautiful are such a normal thing here. People actually realise that there are so many more important things in life than freaking out if your love handles are noticeable. Food and physical activity are also natural parts of life and wellbeing, instead of only being tools to achieve attractiveness.

I still don't see a great beauty when I look into the mirror. But I quite like what I see when I'm naked and not wearing any makeup. And I realise that in the end it's not a huge deal. For this I do have to give huge credit for my very hippie boyfriend too, who somehow at the same time manages to think I'm the prettiest girl there is, but doesn't care if I haven't had time to shower or shave my legs.

4. The resting bitch face

I used to be the girl who would always smile. That also was probably my favourite thing about myself. I'd smile when I was happy. I'd smile on bad days. I'd smile at strangers walking on the streets. In general people in Finland think it's strange and would also tell me that, but it never got me any truly unwarranted attention. So I'd still just always keep smiling. Until I came to India that is.

I did keep telling myself in the beginning that I wouldn't let this country get to me in any negative way. I would only take the positive life lessons! But eventually all the staring and attention and the sexual harassment did change how comfortable I feel walking on the streets.

I can't go outside wearing whatever I like or behaving in a care-free, liberated way. Hell, I get stopped in the streets for inappropriate comments even if I'm wearing over-sized sports clothes and haven't showered in a couple of days. I've been followed home and have stalkers from back in the day when I thought it was okay to engage in small talk. I've spent an hour in the middle of a crowd taking selfies with me, because I had no way out. People even take videos or pics of me without asking for permission. I wouldn't go out drinking and partying even if I wanted to. And I'm extremely hesitant in trying to form friendships with guys, even though in my country most of my friends have always been boys. I've never felt like I was in danger, but the harassment and the lack of respect causes me a lot of anxiety.

It never really stops, but I've noticed that a smile attracts as many people as papaya peels on the table attract flies. And a resting bitch face keeps a good number of them away. So I don't smile anymore, but rather try to look as unapproachable as possible.

5. The Indian head wobble

Initially the way Indian people shake their heads left me confused. Is it a nod? Is it a shake? Does it even mean anything?! But even more than that, it just looked utterly hilarious to me. Almost as if people were twerking on the streets, but just with their heads.

We Finns don't use very much body language to communicate with each other, unless maybe to somehow show our disappointment or disapproval. Nodding your head for agreement or waving your hand for greeting more than once would be considered too much enthusiasm. Like dude, stay in your pants! You're not a silly kid anymore. Did you forget to take your meds?!

I'm still not quite sure what the gesture is actually supposed to signify, but earlier this year I noticed the involuntary wobble my head had started doing. I do it with my namastes and thank yous. I do it when I say haan. I do it when I'm trying to tell our Telugu-speaking maid I understand her. But it's not just the physical action. I feel like wobbling my head even when I just think about something that makes me smile. The Indian head wobble is a state of mind. It's a kindness.